Feeling hopeless while fighting chronic illness

This post, like others that will follow it, is a continuation of my Gambling On Life series.

Trigger Warning: I do talk about death here as it relates to illness, so if you're bothered by that, skip this one.

Let's start with something that may seem not related to depression while chronically ill, but for me personally, it absolutely is (and is part of how I cope).

Since some prior labs (the ones that started the hopeful process of diagnosis of my latest issues) had to be run through insurance to be processed by the external lab service, I got to wait to pay for them (and find out how much they were) until I got billed.

Well, about a week and a half ago I finally got that bill; that's after getting another five vials drawn out of me. The cost wasn't a big deal, thankfully, but what was a big deal was this: I realized I could see my lab results through the lab service's portal.

With the external labs, those typically just get forwarded to the doctor, and I have no idea what the results are: All I get to find out is whether my doc is bothered by anything in them. This.. Bugged me. I love data. I live for data. More specifically, I live for the answers data can provide.

Anyway, I was able to review every single set of labs I've had done through the them, including my latest barely consentual, almost BDSM-adjacent-and-not-my-kink vampiric experience. These labs included what I am understanding is the last "easy fix" option for my neuropathy: B12 levels.

Unfortunately, those were normal, which means it's a good thing I've already got an appointment scheduled in June for a neurologist (fml, I had hoped I would be buying myself a Beretta 80x Cheetah for my birthday that month, but instead I'll be buying myself a fucking MRI).

Still, the ability to finally see more analytics of my body brought an immense sensation of relief. It may not contain the solution, but it contains enough diagnostic data to eliminate things, which is the next best option for me.

I deal with the emotional turmoil caused by chronic illness through two main things: awareness, and preparedness.

Not everybody is like me, and honestly, that's a good thing (I have some fucked up perspectives that we'll talk about here in just a sec - and this is your last warning regarding potential triggers).

What's important is that we all find our ways of dealing with the pain - both emotional and physical - as best we can. For some, that involves talking to therapists, meds, listening to music, or just doing things you enjoy while you can.

For me I do get some short term relief from things like hitting the gun range (which I haven't been able to do since July last year, dammit - I need a range buddy who can drive and help put up targets) and ringing steel at long distances - see the Sub-MOA Spoonie site for more on that - but my biggest (and most ironic) sense of relief comes from knowing that as we eliminate (simple, fixable) causes, we narrow things down to some rather potentially serious illnesses.. Including those that are terminal.

The idea of having a terminal illness doesn't quite bother me like it would most folks; as I noted earlier, my method for finding relief from the darkness is awareness & preparedness.. And I'm prepared for the most part.

I've done a lot of cool shit in my life. While I don't want to die, if I had to choose between being "blissfully" (not happening for me) unaware of what's going on, or being aware of it and knowing I only had 6 months to live or something like that, then I'm definitely going to choose the option with the rather significant deadline.

Sure, I'd need to square some things away, make sure Jess is taken care of, and say goodbye to a handful of people, but really.. With how much my body has failed me in over 40 years of life, I've been well aware of the possibility that I may not get to enjoy a "normal" lifespan for a long time.

You see, there comes a lot of benefits to me from knowing: The current problem is - essentially - solved. That means fewer labs, potential ways to relieve discomfort that aren't an option when you're still thinking long-term on life, and just being free to not have to figure out the problem, which has occupied way too much of my time as of late.

It sounds pretty fucked up, I'm sure, but for me.. It works. I'm able to smile and enjoy my (reduced quality of) life knowing that as we eliminate the little causes, we're creeping up on potentially finding a real cause. There's still a lot of things it could be, and we may never find the actual cause, but even then, I'll no longer be waiting for that diagnosis, and can move forward with my life knowing that these issues are my new normal (at least, until something else crops up that gives us some more delicious diagnostic data).