Gambling on Life: Chronic illness and a fear of needles

This post, like others that will follow it, is a continuation of my Gambling On Life series.

I've talked about my fear of needles previously (TW: childhood trauma and needles). It's no secret that I had some fucked up experiences as a kid with needles, making them all the more problematic while dealing with numerous health problems both when I was young, and now.

Exposure therapy only works so much, but I tell you what, we're trying right now.

I have to get regular labs about every 2 months now, and lately have been getting even more trying to figure out what the fuck is going wrong with me now (looks like it's NOT Chloroquine toxicity, unfortunately).

In fact, I had to have a lab re-done recently thanks to it not getting sent off in time to the processing facility (I get my labs drawn at the local health department, who sends them off to an outside lab daily, because it's WAY cheaper).

Getting stuck with needles is an all-to-familiar thing, and every time I walk in to the local health department it's like a goddamned episode of Cheers ("Where everybody knows your name" - did I mention I'm fucking old, too?), but without the humor part (well, aside from some gallows humor from yours truly).

This most recent re-draw (for my SED rate) went.. Weird. My numbness/nerve issue tends to be better in the morning, in that it's more numbness and less nerve pain. Since I had to get the draw done in the AM, my nerves weren't making me feel like I was being stabbed already, and.. I actually never felt the damned needle.

I of course knew it was happening, and couldn't look - I can NEVER look, or shit will get fucky REAL quick - but I had no sensation of the damned thing because I was numb in the location.

Of course, I'm also a pro at prepping for labs: Lots of fluids, eat a good meal beforehand, position my arm properly, and relaxing the muscles.. But still, I always feel it (especially the first set of labs to diagnose my new issues, which were done in the afternoon).

I have my next doc appointment in a couple days, after which I am sure I'll be getting more labs done. At the very least I expect a B12 test, but.. As weird as it is to say, I hope he gets a few more scheduled at the same time so I can just get it all out of the fucking way. I hate having multiple vials drawn, because it just means that damned piece of fucking metal is in my arm longer, but I just want to feel better.

That's when you know shit is fucked for me: I'm OK with even more of this shit if it means finally figuring out what the fuck is wrong with me (and hopefully fixing it).